February 23rd to March 2nd 2025 marks National Funeral Planning Awareness Week. The aim of this annual week of events is to encourage individuals and families to have open conversations about end-of-life arrangements.
Death and dying are often considered difficult things to have a conversation about – even taboo subjects. We’ve become used to talking about people who have died as having ‘passed’, fallen asleep’ or ‘departed’. The way we often talk about death dying is meant with all good intentions – to soften the blow, and help grieving families to try to come to terms with what’s happened.
But the kind of language that we tend to use is indicative of the barriers we can feel to talking about death and dying directly. This can be really unhelpful, especially when it comes to talking with our family and friends about our wishes when we’ve gone (or to use the more direct language, when we’ve died). Starting the conversation can, in many families, seem too much. We don’t want to think of our own mortality and can brush it off, push it under the carpet, or refuse to talk about it. It’s as if the very act of talking might tempt fate in some strange way.
But normalising the talk about death and dying can have two very significant benefits.
- Making Choices It can help you make decisions about what you’d like. Because there’s now so much choice about what to include in a funeral, it helps to talk to family and friends who might suggest things you’d not thought of. You don’t have to have hymns, prayers or readings (unless you’d like to). You can include song lyrics, popular music, candle lighting, the creation of memory trees, or photo or video tributes. If you want to have a celebration of life, you can host this in a hotel, a community centre, or your own back garden, and have communal singing, dancing, kite flying or even fireworks. Talking about the options is really not all that different from organising any other family event or celebration.
- Communicating Choices One of the tricky things to navigate when someone has died is thinking what they might have wanted to mark their life. There’s probably too much music that they loved to include in one service; too many stories to share to do justice to the richness of their life, and how do you choose a reading that ‘suits’ them? Talking about the kinds of things you would like, and noting these down, is not morbid or macabre. It’s a gift to your family and friends, and helps to make things much easier in the days after you’ve died.
If you’re not confident at starting the conversation, there’s lot of resources that can help.
- Funeral Celebrants can help you to think about the options, and to talk to you family. As a celebrant, I not only officiate at funeral services in crematoria and in burial grounds; I also work with individuals and groups across West Yorkshire. I run talks for local community groups in around the Bingley, Bradford and Leeds areas, and can come and talk to you about how to get the conversation started.
- Coffin Clubs There is a national chain of coffin clubs. These are friendly, informative, and informal groups that get people together to talk, and learn about the many different options for marking and celebrating the end of a life (see: https://coffinclub.co.uk/coffin-clubs/).
- Funeral Directors are an excellent source of advice. Many independent firms, as well as the national chains (such as Funeral Partners, Dignitas, and Co-op Funeralcare) host regular open days where you can drop in, have a cuppa, and talk to their funeral arrangers about options.
- Books and Organisers If you’re the kind of person who prefers to read around the subject before talking to family and friends, there are lots of really helpful free resources to have a look at. Age UK have a factsheet (number 27) on things to think about when planning your funeral, and this is a really good informative starting point. There are also lots of lovely inexpensive planning notebooks and organisers specifically for funerals (such as the ‘When I’m Gone’ organiser by Tommy Ruell). The Coffin Club offer a fully downloadable course, handbook and funeral wish list (there is a cost for this).
Sometimes getting started is the most difficult thing. But conversations about dying and death are some of the most important you’ll ever have. They needn’t be sombre or sad if you keep the focus on celebrating your life.
This poem, written from the point of view of a recently bereaved family, speaks of the impact that funeral planning, and starting the conversation, can have.
The Conversation
We sit in the kitchen,
the light above flickering softly,
Our words falling
like leaves into a quiet stream.
Our fingers brush the pages
of the floral book bearing her name.
Pages written in her distinctive hand –
in ink and bearing the stains of coffee mugs.
There are tears here,
but not those borne from the starkness
of practicality,
Not from the terror of
having to navigate what is to come.
There’s a list now,
names written in careful ink.
No need to reach a decision that feels
too big, too final.
The old songs are already chosen –
The ones she liked.
The poems carefully listed,
the words to remember her funny, poignant, hers.
No one says it aloud,
but there is an easiness now – relief.
This was her gift to us,
One that lets us breathe
And to hold on for just a bit longer.
And no one asks: “Do you think she would have liked it?